"to be a marine corps wife you have to be crazy, but in love, fearful, but strong, able and willing"

22 October 2010


Ever since Ana died I've been jaded. I don't know what it is. I felt like a part of me died with her and I can't get past the face that my best friend is gone. Looking back at that time of my life is so hard and I can't get over the fact that its been a little over two years that she passed away...

I met Ana when I changed schools in the 5th grade. I was ten and she was the first friend I made. We loved to hate each other, but you could never find us apart. There was just something that always held us together. I tell my husband that she was my soul mate. I know it sounds corny but we just understood each other in a way that I can't explain and we knew each other better then anyone else. I could always tell when something was wrong with her, as she could with me. Over the years our friendship got strained when I met a boy. I let him be the center of my life and even though me and Ana never stopped being friends I gave him more importance than I gave her... I know I violated girl code number 1. chicks before... well you get the hint hahaha... but she just seemed to understand that I was "in love". She got pregnant and had a baby after that. You would think that would change our friendship but I think it brought us closer together and her beautiful baby girl called me "Aunt Jackie". We both got pregnant a few yrs later at the same time and had our boys a few months apart.

I got married to Paco when he enlisted in the Marines after Matthew (our oldest son) was born. When the hubbs left to basic I didn't know what to do with myself. It was Ana that kept me going. She always said "we have to take advantage of the last few months you live here." So we did everything together. I think I spent more time with her in the first year of my marriage then I did with my husband. Two weeks before we were supposed to move to our first duty station she was killed in a car accident. Luckily her kids survived the accident. That day was the worst day of my life. No 21 year old should have to help her husband plan her funeral, but I did. Saying goodbye to her was the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life. She wasn't supposed to be dead. I talked to her half an hour before she died and told her to be careful and I loved her. I am grateful for that conversation because I got to tell her how much she meant to me, but I didn't think that it would be the last time I would ever talk to my best friend who was more like my sister than anything else.

Ever since then I can't say that I have many friends. I'd say I have 3 really good friends and 2 of them I've known at least as long as I've known her. I can't seem to let my guard down when it comes to making friends here in California. I know that I should let go of her and move on I just don't know how. My mom says that I am afraid of letting people in for the fear of losing someone I love, and I'd have to say she's right. Losing her has been the worst thing that ever happened to me.

The reason I wrote about her tonight is because of a convo me and Paco had today. He asked if I believe in ghosts or spirits and I do. I told him that I can smell her every now and then. Its like when someone walks by you and you can smell them for a split second and then the smell is gone, or a song that you haven't heard in ages comes on the radio and you automatically think of that person who is gone. I think that is them telling you "hi, i'm still here with you". Call me crazy but it's just something I believe and it brings me a little bit of comfort thinking that she is still with me.