"to be a marine corps wife you have to be crazy, but in love, fearful, but strong, able and willing"

22 October 2010


Ever since Ana died I've been jaded. I don't know what it is. I felt like a part of me died with her and I can't get past the face that my best friend is gone. Looking back at that time of my life is so hard and I can't get over the fact that its been a little over two years that she passed away...

I met Ana when I changed schools in the 5th grade. I was ten and she was the first friend I made. We loved to hate each other, but you could never find us apart. There was just something that always held us together. I tell my husband that she was my soul mate. I know it sounds corny but we just understood each other in a way that I can't explain and we knew each other better then anyone else. I could always tell when something was wrong with her, as she could with me. Over the years our friendship got strained when I met a boy. I let him be the center of my life and even though me and Ana never stopped being friends I gave him more importance than I gave her... I know I violated girl code number 1. chicks before... well you get the hint hahaha... but she just seemed to understand that I was "in love". She got pregnant and had a baby after that. You would think that would change our friendship but I think it brought us closer together and her beautiful baby girl called me "Aunt Jackie". We both got pregnant a few yrs later at the same time and had our boys a few months apart.

I got married to Paco when he enlisted in the Marines after Matthew (our oldest son) was born. When the hubbs left to basic I didn't know what to do with myself. It was Ana that kept me going. She always said "we have to take advantage of the last few months you live here." So we did everything together. I think I spent more time with her in the first year of my marriage then I did with my husband. Two weeks before we were supposed to move to our first duty station she was killed in a car accident. Luckily her kids survived the accident. That day was the worst day of my life. No 21 year old should have to help her husband plan her funeral, but I did. Saying goodbye to her was the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life. She wasn't supposed to be dead. I talked to her half an hour before she died and told her to be careful and I loved her. I am grateful for that conversation because I got to tell her how much she meant to me, but I didn't think that it would be the last time I would ever talk to my best friend who was more like my sister than anything else.

Ever since then I can't say that I have many friends. I'd say I have 3 really good friends and 2 of them I've known at least as long as I've known her. I can't seem to let my guard down when it comes to making friends here in California. I know that I should let go of her and move on I just don't know how. My mom says that I am afraid of letting people in for the fear of losing someone I love, and I'd have to say she's right. Losing her has been the worst thing that ever happened to me.

The reason I wrote about her tonight is because of a convo me and Paco had today. He asked if I believe in ghosts or spirits and I do. I told him that I can smell her every now and then. Its like when someone walks by you and you can smell them for a split second and then the smell is gone, or a song that you haven't heard in ages comes on the radio and you automatically think of that person who is gone. I think that is them telling you "hi, i'm still here with you". Call me crazy but it's just something I believe and it brings me a little bit of comfort thinking that she is still with me.

21 October 2010

I must admit I have a pretty awesome husband...

My handsome has duty today which means I'll be in my pj's all day, watching trashy tv that I never get to watch when he's home.... So anyways I'm new to this blogging thing and don't really know what to say which is weird because most times I can't keep from talking. So I guess today I'll write about my husband.

Paco is my world. We have a love that I can't seem to explain. He is my other half, best friend, soul mate, lover, lets just say he is my everything. When we are not together, we are texting or on the phone with each other. He has been the only person in my life who has never let me down. He is always there when I need him to be and it is so nice to know that the love we share is so passionate and deep. We totally get each other and even when we do disagree on some topics we come to the conclusion that  neither one of us is wrong. We just happen to view the world in a different light. I am so incredibly blessed to love, and be loved, the way we love each other. You will always find us laughing about something and we rarely fight. Even when we do fight I can't stay mad at him for an extended period of time, and it is a rule in our home that we are not allowed to go to bed mad. I can seriously say that I am the happiest girl in the world because of him. Paco makes me feel beautiful and sexy. He sees me in a light that not even I see and I know by the way he looks at me that I am the only girl in the world for him. He is sweet and romantic. Just looking at him melts my heart. The way he looks and touches me makes me feel so special. I am a very lucky and blessed to have him in my life. He is a great father to our children. Just seeing him with our boys is the best feeling in the world. I grew up in a single parent family, and I know that that will never happen to us. We are so different is uncanny. I am loud and outgoing. I love to talk and laugh, I can't stand being in the house, love to shop, and go out to eat. He is quiet, loves being at home, and doesn't care about the way he looks or what people think, loves to cook and work on our cars or around the house. We balance each other out and its just so amazing to me how different we are and at the same time we are so alike. We both value family and rarely disagree on how we are going to raise our kids. He is the fun parent, and I am the disciplinarian.

I don't know what I did to find such an AMAZING man. He is everything I never knew I always wanted.

My Handsome in 2008

20 October 2010

A little about myself

Well as you can all see my name is Jackie. I am 23, a daughter, sister, wife, and mother. My life has has it's ups and downs as most peoples lives do. I must say that I never thought I would end up being a Marine Wife, or even a mom at this age in my life. I always wanted to go to college and have a career before I started this part of my life. Well that isn't the way things exactly worked out, and I must say that I am pretty content with the cards I have been dealt. 

Growing up I was always all over the place. My parents divorced when I was 3 and I never really remember either one of my parents being around. My Dad just wasn't there, and my Mom was getting her degree while she held down a full time job and raised me and my brother. I have always been pretty independent and when it came down to it I did whatever I wanted to. When I met my husband I was so caught up in partying and having fun. I didn't want a relationship and thought that we were having a "fling". Six years and two kids later I see how wrong I really was. I wouldn't change our life together for anything in the world. The last 3 years have been hard. Paco joined the Marine Corps and life as we knew it was over. If I hadn't had my BFF Ana to help me get through Basic, MCT, and MOS School I would have gone crazy.)

Moving to Camp Pendleton was hard. I made a few friends in the beginning, but none of them were the type of friend that I was looking for. Drama always followed them and I had too much going on with being pregnant, getting ready for my husband's deployment, deployment, moving back to Tx, giving birth while Paco was in Iraq, and moving back to California to deal with all the drama. To make a long story short I have maybe 2 good friends out here and that is enough for me.