"to be a marine corps wife you have to be crazy, but in love, fearful, but strong, able and willing"

06 December 2010

missing her...

i'm really missing Ana today. i need a friend who knows me and the way i am. a friend that loves me unconditionally and accepts me for me. someone who can tell me the straight truth and it not effect our friendship. ana was that person for me. the only person who knew me inside and out. i could tell her anything and  not get judged for it. she was always there when i needed a shoulder to cry on, or if i needed someone to commit a petty crime with. she was my lookout when i needed one, the person who i told all my secrets to, the one person that i ran to for everything. my friendship with her ended too soon. we were supposed to grow old and raise our families together. we were supposed to be the little old ladies that you see sitting in rocking chairs on the porch knitting together.

i miss her. i miss running to her, telling her my secrets, crying on her shoulder, committing petty crimes with her, i miss her being my lookout, and her having my back. i miss laughing until we cried, i miss telling her all my secrets and most of all i miss seeing her everyday. she was one of the first people i talked to everyday, and probably the last i talked to at night and i miss it. i don't think i'll ever have that kind of friendship again.

i knew something was wrong the day she died. i told her i loved her and to be careful a half hour before her accident. i know she knew but i don't know if she really knew how much she meant to me. she was the only person (other then paco) that i knew i could always count on no matter what and now i don't have her. there are days that are okay, and days that i can't even stand the thought that she isn't here. sometimes i don't know how to exist in a world that she isn't a part of. she was always so happy and outgoing. Ana was one of my soul mates. we just understood each other and no matter how much we got on each others nerves we were always together.

i guess the point is that i miss her. i really need a friend right now. i need her. i need to talk to her, and cry, and get everything that i need to say out and i can't because she is gone. i can't talk to paco, or any of my other friends for that matter the way i could talk to her. she never passed judgement. she knew me so well that she never took something that i would say the wrong way and that is one of the things i loved most about her. i could be me. i didn't have to pretend to be someone else when i was with her. losing her has to be hands down the worst thing that has ever happened to me.

i know that if she was still alive my life would be different because i would be truly happy. i would have the best husband, kids, and friend in the world. what more could a girl want?

i want my best friend back and that is the one thing i will never get.

it's been over two years and it hasn't gotten easier. everyone said my pain would get better; that i would always miss her but the pain would go away with time. it hasn't gotten easier because i miss her more everyday that she is gone and i can't talk to her. my pain hasn't gone away; it's gotten worse because the more i miss her the more it hurts.