missing her...

i'm really missing Ana today. i need a friend who knows me and the way i am. a friend that loves me unconditionally and accepts me for me. someone who can tell me the straight truth and it not effect our friendship. ana was that person for me. the only person who knew me inside and out. i could tell her anything and  not get judged for it. she was always there when i needed a shoulder to cry on, or if i needed someone to commit a petty crime with. she was my lookout when i needed one, the person who i told all my secrets to, the one person that i ran to for everything. my friendship with her ended too soon. we were supposed to grow old and raise our families together. we were supposed to be the little old ladies that you see sitting in rocking chairs on the porch knitting together.

i miss her. i miss running to her, telling her my secrets, crying on her shoulder, committing petty crimes with her, i miss her being my lookout, and her having my back. i miss laughing until we cried, i miss telling her all my secrets and most of all i miss seeing her everyday. she was one of the first people i talked to everyday, and probably the last i talked to at night and i miss it. i don't think i'll ever have that kind of friendship again.

i knew something was wrong the day she died. i told her i loved her and to be careful a half hour before her accident. i know she knew but i don't know if she really knew how much she meant to me. she was the only person (other then paco) that i knew i could always count on no matter what and now i don't have her. there are days that are okay, and days that i can't even stand the thought that she isn't here. sometimes i don't know how to exist in a world that she isn't a part of. she was always so happy and outgoing. Ana was one of my soul mates. we just understood each other and no matter how much we got on each others nerves we were always together.

i guess the point is that i miss her. i really need a friend right now. i need her. i need to talk to her, and cry, and get everything that i need to say out and i can't because she is gone. i can't talk to paco, or any of my other friends for that matter the way i could talk to her. she never passed judgement. she knew me so well that she never took something that i would say the wrong way and that is one of the things i loved most about her. i could be me. i didn't have to pretend to be someone else when i was with her. losing her has to be hands down the worst thing that has ever happened to me.

i know that if she was still alive my life would be different because i would be truly happy. i would have the best husband, kids, and friend in the world. what more could a girl want?

i want my best friend back and that is the one thing i will never get.

it's been over two years and it hasn't gotten easier. everyone said my pain would get better; that i would always miss her but the pain would go away with time. it hasn't gotten easier because i miss her more everyday that she is gone and i can't talk to her. my pain hasn't gone away; it's gotten worse because the more i miss her the more it hurts.

a little of this and that...

I haven't been on here much lately. Nothing exciting has really happened lately other then my wonderful husband getting me tickets to the WH1 Diva's USO Concert. I am really exicted to go. A lot of good bands, and performers are coming but I am most exicted to see Katy Perry. I am a huge fan of hers. Although, I must say I don't know what she was thinking when she married Russell Brand. Paco is going to watch the boys so that I can have a girls night out with my friends :)) I am so blessed to have a husband like him.

Paco took me to see the new Harry Potter movie tonight. I must say that I expected it to be better. It was long but I know it was just the beggining of the next movie. I hate that they cut it into two movies because now I have to wait for the next one to come out. Oh well. I swear I am such a dork. I love the books and the movies. Paco hates that I drag him to watch them all, but I think he secretly likes them. He'll never admit it to me though...

My Mom and brother Omar are coming to Cali for Thanksgiving and I am super excited. My brother has never been here and the boys are dying to see their "Omar Tio". They follow him around like he is the most amazing person ever. It's kind of funny to me that they are so close to him even though they hardly ever see him. He's always been good with kids so I guess it's to be expected. Him and I never got along growing up and now that we both have kids it's easier for us to laugh, talk, and be happy around each other. It's nice that we are on the same page now and that the relationship we never had growing up is solidifying into something more. I like it and hope that things keep getting better between us. We shall see, I don't think he likes the fact that I call him out all the time. I need to try and stop that...

Well I just wanted to give a quick update I'll be back soon. Good night :)

Jackie P

Darkhorse...

One of my friends from high school is with 3/5 out of Camp P and every time I hear of another casualty in their unit I get this big ball in my throat and pray that I don't hear or read his name. It's so weird that we lost touch for a few years and found each other on facebook before he deployed. We were relatively close in high school because his older brother was my best friend and we had a few classes together. Ferny is a good guy and always made me laugh. We related in a lot of ways but lost touch after he moved to Cali and joined the Marines. Weird thing is that he is stationed in Camp P and so are we. We live no more that 5 miles away from each other and I have NEVER seen or bumped into him in the 2 1/2 years we have been here. I did have a play date with his wife and girls right after he deployed and have reached out to her and let her know that if she needs a friend I am here for her. I know how hard it is to have my husband gone and I would like to be a form of support to her.

My heart breaks knowing that they have already lost so many men and their deployment isn't even half way over. I pray for the families and friends of their lost heroes every night and for the men that served along side of them. 

I pray for my friend and his family, his wife, daughters, mom, dad, brothers and sister. I was very close to this family and I cannot imagine them losing him. I think back to the good times we share and smile. He was a good friend and I wish that I hadn't lost touch with him. Thinking back to the times we shared puts a smile on my face, he was a good friend to me, and he could always make me laugh.

It hits so close to home knowing that he is suffering for the loss of his brothers and I pray that this deployment is over soon and he returns to his family safe.

Halloween Week

I haven't really been on the last couple of weeks. I've been very busy. Paco got lasik so he had the week off and we got some much needed family time. Being in the Marines has really screwed that up for us. I think he is at work more then he is home. Which is fine for him because Paco loves his job. I'm not saying he doesn't love us but I can see that he has a purpose now and that makes me happy for him.

We went to the pumpkin patch and let the boys pick the ones they wanted. We had never gone to one before and we loved it. I think we are going to make it a family tradition. The boys had so much fun running through the fields of pumpkins and deciding on the perfect one. They even picked the stencil that they wanted us to carve for them. Matthew of course wanted a skull and Christian really doesn't know what's going on yet so we picked out a ghost stencil for him. I have to admit the skull one came out better.We took the boys trick or treating Sunday night and they looked so cute. Matthew was Leonardo the Ninja Turtle and Christian was Captain America. I think we only stayed out for an hour and a half by the time Matthew decided he had enough candy and he was ready to go home. I think he was just tired of walking which was fine with me. I don't think they need that much candy anyways. I just want them to have an many happy memories as possible.

Paco's mom never took him trick or treating and he always said he wanted to when he was a little boy. I know that she would flip out if she knew we took the boys, but I'm not going to take that away from them when I was able to go as a little girl. I don't think it's fair or right but hey that's just me. To each their own right? All I know is that the boys had a blast and seeing them happy makes me happy.

Paco also got Christian to sleep in his toddler bed. I think he is still too small but he likes it for the most part. He'll go to sleep in it but always wakes up in the middle of the night and wants to go to his crib, so of course I put him in it and he goes right back to sleep. He will nap in the toddler bed though. I tell Paco that we need to take baby steps when it comes to that transition, but I really think its just me wanting Christian to stay little and not grow up. He's my baby and it makes me sad to see him growing up so fast.

So that's pretty much all that is going on with me at the moment. I'll be back soon with all the little details of my very exciting life as a mother and wife :))

Jackie J

jaded...

Ever since Ana died I've been jaded. I don't know what it is. I felt like a part of me died with her and I can't get past the face that my best friend is gone. Looking back at that time of my life is so hard and I can't get over the fact that its been a little over two years that she passed away...

I met Ana when I changed schools in the 5th grade. I was ten and she was the first friend I made. We loved to hate each other, but you could never find us apart. There was just something that always held us together. I tell my husband that she was my soul mate. I know it sounds corny but we just understood each other in a way that I can't explain and we knew each other better then anyone else. I could always tell when something was wrong with her, as she could with me. Over the years our friendship got strained when I met a boy. I let him be the center of my life and even though me and Ana never stopped being friends I gave him more importance than I gave her... I know I violated girl code number 1. chicks before... well you get the hint hahaha... but she just seemed to understand that I was "in love". She got pregnant and had a baby after that. You would think that would change our friendship but I think it brought us closer together and her beautiful baby girl called me "Aunt Jackie". We both got pregnant a few yrs later at the same time and had our boys a few months apart.

I got married to Paco when he enlisted in the Marines after Matthew (our oldest son) was born. When the hubbs left to basic I didn't know what to do with myself. It was Ana that kept me going. She always said "we have to take advantage of the last few months you live here." So we did everything together. I think I spent more time with her in the first year of my marriage then I did with my husband. Two weeks before we were supposed to move to our first duty station she was killed in a car accident. Luckily her kids survived the accident. That day was the worst day of my life. No 21 year old should have to help her husband plan her funeral, but I did. Saying goodbye to her was the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life. She wasn't supposed to be dead. I talked to her half an hour before she died and told her to be careful and I loved her. I am grateful for that conversation because I got to tell her how much she meant to me, but I didn't think that it would be the last time I would ever talk to my best friend who was more like my sister than anything else.

Ever since then I can't say that I have many friends. I'd say I have 3 really good friends and 2 of them I've known at least as long as I've known her. I can't seem to let my guard down when it comes to making friends here in California. I know that I should let go of her and move on I just don't know how. My mom says that I am afraid of letting people in for the fear of losing someone I love, and I'd have to say she's right. Losing her has been the worst thing that ever happened to me.

The reason I wrote about her tonight is because of a convo me and Paco had today. He asked if I believe in ghosts or spirits and I do. I told him that I can smell her every now and then. Its like when someone walks by you and you can smell them for a split second and then the smell is gone, or a song that you haven't heard in ages comes on the radio and you automatically think of that person who is gone. I think that is them telling you "hi, i'm still here with you". Call me crazy but it's just something I believe and it brings me a little bit of comfort thinking that she is still with me.

I must admit I have a pretty awesome husband...

My handsome has duty today which means I'll be in my pj's all day, watching trashy tv that I never get to watch when he's home.... So anyways I'm new to this blogging thing and don't really know what to say which is weird because most times I can't keep from talking. So I guess today I'll write about my husband.

Paco is my world. We have a love that I can't seem to explain. He is my other half, best friend, soul mate, lover, lets just say he is my everything. When we are not together, we are texting or on the phone with each other. He has been the only person in my life who has never let me down. He is always there when I need him to be and it is so nice to know that the love we share is so passionate and deep. We totally get each other and even when we do disagree on some topics we come to the conclusion that  neither one of us is wrong. We just happen to view the world in a different light. I am so incredibly blessed to love, and be loved, the way we love each other. You will always find us laughing about something and we rarely fight. Even when we do fight I can't stay mad at him for an extended period of time, and it is a rule in our home that we are not allowed to go to bed mad. I can seriously say that I am the happiest girl in the world because of him. Paco makes me feel beautiful and sexy. He sees me in a light that not even I see and I know by the way he looks at me that I am the only girl in the world for him. He is sweet and romantic. Just looking at him melts my heart. The way he looks and touches me makes me feel so special. I am a very lucky and blessed to have him in my life. He is a great father to our children. Just seeing him with our boys is the best feeling in the world. I grew up in a single parent family, and I know that that will never happen to us. We are so different is uncanny. I am loud and outgoing. I love to talk and laugh, I can't stand being in the house, love to shop, and go out to eat. He is quiet, loves being at home, and doesn't care about the way he looks or what people think, loves to cook and work on our cars or around the house. We balance each other out and its just so amazing to me how different we are and at the same time we are so alike. We both value family and rarely disagree on how we are going to raise our kids. He is the fun parent, and I am the disciplinarian.

I don't know what I did to find such an AMAZING man. He is everything I never knew I always wanted.

My Handsome in 2008

A little about myself

Well as you can all see my name is Jackie. I am 23, a daughter, sister, wife, and mother. My life has has it's ups and downs as most peoples lives do. I must say that I never thought I would end up being a Marine Wife, or even a mom at this age in my life. I always wanted to go to college and have a career before I started this part of my life. Well that isn't the way things exactly worked out, and I must say that I am pretty content with the cards I have been dealt. 

Growing up I was always all over the place. My parents divorced when I was 3 and I never really remember either one of my parents being around. My Dad just wasn't there, and my Mom was getting her degree while she held down a full time job and raised me and my brother. I have always been pretty independent and when it came down to it I did whatever I wanted to. When I met my husband I was so caught up in partying and having fun. I didn't want a relationship and thought that we were having a "fling". Six years and two kids later I see how wrong I really was. I wouldn't change our life together for anything in the world. The last 3 years have been hard. Paco joined the Marine Corps and life as we knew it was over. If I hadn't had my BFF Ana to help me get through Basic, MCT, and MOS School I would have gone crazy.)

Moving to Camp Pendleton was hard. I made a few friends in the beginning, but none of them were the type of friend that I was looking for. Drama always followed them and I had too much going on with being pregnant, getting ready for my husband's deployment, deployment, moving back to Tx, giving birth while Paco was in Iraq, and moving back to California to deal with all the drama. To make a long story short I have maybe 2 good friends out here and that is enough for me.